A Terrifying Knock at the Door: How Does Death Affect Teenagers?
Loosing a close friend or loved one is one of the most difficult obstacles we cross in our journey through life. Death comes knocking on our friend’s door and so unexpectedly takes their life away. When this tragic event occurs, teenagers seem to be the ones hit the hardest. Coping with the loss of a friend can often change our lives forever. Positive life lessons are learned and we move on to become better people. However, it does not always work quickly like that, and there isn’t always a positive outcome. Teens often blame themselves, “if I had only known, I would have…”, and sometimes they are confronted with the thought of suicide. The funeral and viewing play a large roll in this struggle to cope with loss. Seeing that body, lying motionless, lifeless, can bring pain and sorrow to the survivors. Saying good-bye for the last time is often the hardest step in letting go. Death knocks at the door of a loved one and in a moment teenagers lives are forever changed. The loss of a loved one affects teenagers drastically, both physically and mentally and each of us is affected differently. “Just as people feel grief in many different ways, they handle it differently, too. Some people reach out for support from others and find comfort in good memories. Others become very busy to take their minds off the loss. Some people become depressed and withdraw from their peers or go out of the way to avoid the places or situations that remind them of the person who has died.” – Lyness Coping with the loss of a loved one or close friend is a difficult, slow and painful process. We were so used to life with them, and now we must adjust to life without them. Who to turn to is one of the most important aspects of coping with death. When surveyed, the majority of teenagers responded that they turn to their parents and close friends for comfort. Talking about death can be difficult to handle, but it is easier on teenagers if they know the person they are talking to can relate and understand. They need to confide in them in their quest for comfort. Close friends are often most helpful due to many factors. First of all, it’s easier to deal with something so tragic when someone else is too. Age also makes a difference in the choice of who to turn to. Teenagers tend to feel more comfortable discussing the issue with someone their own age rather than an adult. Adults have a higher experience level with grief and death, which makes it more difficult for them to relate to someone who isn’t as familiar with the issue. Teenagers are more likely to turn to close friends who can relate to their grief on the same level. Marin E. Marty, a divinity scholar at the University of Chicago said, “Loss is so terrible, whatever instrument people choose that is good for them, I will start by applauding.” The most common method of coping with grief among teenagers is bringing to mind all the good memories and talking about them. Keeping your feelings bottled up can be harmful and bring out negative effects. Talking about the deceased can bring relief and help to speed up the grieving process. Prayer is another route that many teenagers chose when searching for comfort in the loss of a friend or loved one. Whether it’s for help, guidance, thanksgiving, comfort or forgiveness, forty percent of teenagers make the daily choice to pray. When a loved one has passed away, this number increases rapidly. In times of desperate need, even teenagers that don’t pray on a daily or regular basis find themselves turning to God for help. When a loved one passes on, positive life lessons are often obtained. When surveyed teenagers responded that they learned, “laugh when you can, apologize when you should, and let go of what you can’t change. Take chances, give everything, and have no regrets. Life is too short to be anything but happy.” Letting go of a loved one can be difficult but searching for the good in something can bring relief. Through experiencing this type of loss, we learn not to take anything for granted. Nothing, not even tomorrow, is promised. We must live each day to its fullest. We often grow stronger and wiser through the negative downsides of life. When teenagers experience loss they tend to help one another find comfort. Sometimes, when comforting others, we find strength in ourselves. Strength we never knew we had. We are able to push back the hard, painful part, and help someone else pull through. This strength is another positive effect that we obtain through the loss of a loved one. In some cases teenagers believe that the strength which the find inside them is from the loved one who has passed. We feel like they are pushing us to see the good in life and not be sad because they are gone. They are in a better place so we should be happy for them. There isn’t always a happy ending to everything in life though. Some teenagers choose to blame themselves for the death of a friend or relative. They feel like they could have made that life changing difference. “If I had only been there…”, “If I had only known…I would have” are thoughts that teenagers procure when trying to solve the unanswerable question of “why them”? Teenagers may turn to drugs or alcohol to help them forget about their troubles, or take the edge off the pain. This mistake can often lead to life changing events for the worse such as: trouble with the police, loss or friends, and causing family problems. This type of “coping” will only lead to more trouble. Some teenagers even have thoughts of suicide or self inflicted injuries due to this drastic loss. When it is a close family member that passes away, blaming one’s self is usually the first instinct; however, with much thought and contemplation teenagers soon come to realize there was nothing they could do.The question of whether seeing the body in an open casket is good for the survivors is one that will remain forever. When a person dies, their appearance often changes dramatically-sometimes to the point where they are unrecognizable. This can be difficult to bear for the family and friends that remain. Some families choose to keep the casket closed and this brings controversy with the survivors. They believe this is a time for us to say our goodbyes and seeing the estranged body shouldn’t distract us from knowing the person is in a better place.When a loved one has died, the funeral often seems to be the most difficult part. It is the last time we will see the body of the person we once knew and loved; it’s truly time to say goodbye. The funeral, however, can give a feeling of relief to the ones left behind. When surveyed, teenagers responded that being at the funeral made them realize that their loved one was in a better place; they were no longer suffering. A funeral is a way for us to confront death and release our emotions. In relation to the letting go process Thomas Lynch says, “Right between the inhale and the exhale of the bone-wracking sob such hurts to produce, some frightened and well-meaning ignoramus is bound to give out with: ‘It’s okay, that’s not her, it’s just a shell.’” This acknowledgement of the body, which we see lying motionless in the casket as a shell, not the real person, lets out a feeling of relief. It comforts us and confirms our belief that our loved one is now at peace. Burying the dead is often a comfort factor of laying the soul to rest. This ceremony brings ease to those left behind. Teenagers responded that witnessing this ritual was difficult, yet soothing; because, they knew their friend was at now ease. Martin Marty also states, “To me, the worst pastors in the world are those who know why bad things happen or believe words can compensate for a life.” Words said at a burial, as we say goodbye to our love one, can never make up for the loss, which we suffer. They comfort us and bring relief, but they can never fully reimburse a life.
MortalityNumber of deaths for adolescents 15-19 years of age: 13,812Deaths per 100,000 population for adolescents 15-19 years of age: 67.8Number of deaths for leading causes of deaths among adolescents 15-19 years of age:Accidents (unintentional injuries): 7,137Homicide: 1,892Suicide: 1,513
It takes time to adjust to our loved ones not being with us all the time. Recently a student at our school that battled cancer for two years passes away. Everyone who knew him was touched by his short life. He inspired more people than he will ever know. I interviewed his closest friends and they told me, if there was one thing they learned from Michael, it was to always be happy. You should never go to sleep feeling remorse for something you have done. Life is too short to have regrets. Always apologize. Be the better person. Treat people how you want them to treat you; because, you never know when that knock will be heard at the door. When a life is taken away, teenagers are forced to deal with the unfortunate matter. It is then that we realize friends and family are the most important part of a teenager’s life. Make smart choices when you have to deal with something so unfortunate. Coping can be difficult, but your true friends and family will be there for you when you need them the most. Dance, sing, write, run, pray, do whatever it takes to gain happiness and know that life is a gift-make yours worth it.
